Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
