It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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