It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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