fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
