now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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