apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
