even my farts smell like vagina
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
