Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize