Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
