idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Jerry, you need to find god
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
