Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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