theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize