I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
