Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
