Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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