I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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