it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
