the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
