I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
