I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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