i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize