Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
