my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
