I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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