Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
