You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
