she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
