Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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