That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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