I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
