Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
