from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
