We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
