im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
