just survived the first fart of the relationship.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
