You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
