There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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