I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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