i love accidental penises.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize