Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
