I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
