I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
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