I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
