you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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