im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
