I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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