I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
