No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
me + whiskey = a bad person
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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