gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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