Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
