I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize