fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
