3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
