theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
