whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
